Loss is a feature of life.
Here I’d like to share with you my personal five leadership lessons from dealing with a recent loss to help you as a leader support yourself and others in managing their own losses.
It was a Friday afternoon …. we received a call that threw our world upside down. We weren’t prepared for the devastating news that came – a family member had died in tragic circumstances.
Whilst I have experienced plenty of loss in my life, I had not experienced the death of losing someone so close, with no warning and in such a shocking way.
As I write this, 5 months have passed. I’m now in a place to reflect on the process of grieving and dealing with loss, not only personally, but also from a professional perspective creating these 5 leadership lessons.
As a leadership coach, I work with leaders who have experienced loss in many different ways such as relationship breakdowns, redundancy, business failure as well as the death of a colleague or loved one.
I work experientially with my clients, from a place of full involvement of my heart, mind and soul – my recent experience of loss will enhance the way I work with leaders as I integrate theory and knowledge of loss with my actual experiences.
Clearly grief is a very personal experience and there are nuances for each unique situation. It’s something we don’t talk about often, until we’re directly impacted.
Loss is accompanied by a permanent change – a change we’re often unprepared for, not knowing what we’re supposed, or not supposed, to do, think, feel or say. The rules of the game – or a new state – have to be created so that we can forge a path forward or risk getting stuck in an affected emotional state impacting on our resilience, health and work performance.
So, here’s my 5 leadership lessons from loss and grief:
1. Lead yourself through grief – don’t be a victim
After the initial shock of receiving our tragic family news, I made a promise to myself to not become a victim of the circumstances. The alternative choice to becoming a victim – is to be a victor – to actively lead myself through the situation to a better place.
In my mind, I associated victimhood with getting stuck somewhere within the grief, denying the loss, carrying anger and despair as heavy burdensome baggage, becoming depressed and losing myself – losing the person I’d grown into as well as losing hope of the potential and opportunities laying ahead.
Being the victor requires adopting a growth mindset. I intentionally invested my time and energy in personal reflection, learning, accessing useful support, rest, being in nature and seeking different perspectives. I will continue to make this essential investment to further enhance my resilience. Whilst this may seem like a lot of introspection and rumination, this internal work has enabled me to accept, learn and grow, energising me to move forward.
In becoming a victor, I have been able to navigate myself through the main stages of grief (identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as shock, denial, anger, bargaining and depression), accept the loss and integrate both the event and the memory of my family member within my own life’s story and personal journey.
This has been alongside lots of practical hands-on leadership and support for other loved ones impacted by the loss, especially guidance for younger members of the family. This would not have been possible if I’d have taken the victim route.
Leadership is an attitude and a mindset.
Leadership is also about taking action, doing whatever feels like the ‘right’ thing and recognises that life (and the world) is not static, but ever moving, dynamic and evolving.
>> Be a victor.
2. Experience the full emotional journey
The main stages of grief that I’ve shared, highlight the common emotions of experiencing a loss – shock, anger, depressed – each of these emotions have different nuances perhaps showing up as despair, sadness, numbness, lethargy, etc all with different physical manifestations in our bodies, such as crying, shouting, tension, debilitation.
We can often be closed off to some, or all, emotions. When we were growing up some emotions and emotional responses might have been discouraged based on familial, cultural and societal expectations at the time. We may still struggle to express our emotions – covering them up, reducing them or finding ways to numb them through activities such as overeating, drinking, taking drugs or, perhaps, overworking.
Unexpressed and unprocessed emotions have a tendency of manifesting in poor physical and mental health, storing up problems for our future wellness.
Recognising, expressing and processing emotions in a timely and safe way is a healthy practice at a time of loss and provides an opportunity to add to both our future emotional resilience and our emotional intelligence – our ability to cope with and understand the emotional landscape of ourself and others.
>> Feel all the feels.
3. Share your loss with others
Talk about it. Don’t hide it.
Too many times in my life I have experienced and witnessed loss being associated with shame. Shame keeps us small, feeling unworthy of love, belonging and success.
Taking the opportunity to express the unimaginable, display the emotion and courageously seek a comforting response has enabled me to have a shame-free experience of loss, probably for the first time in my life. Sharing my loss with family, friends, neighbours, peers, clients, and the occasional stranger, has been heartwarming and a vital part of the healing process.
Sharing invites support, connection and further sharing, building and deepening the human bonds that we all need to survive and thrive.
Loss is a common experience and by talking about personal experiences enables connection based on the shared human experiences of loss and grief.
>> Sharing is caring (about yourself and others).
4. Embrace the paradox
In dealing with our loss, we came together as an extended family – we cried together, we treasured precious memories together and we laughed together.
Through the pain of loss, there is a lot to gain – perhaps a new start, new and deeper relationships, new opportunities.
We’re hurting from the loss of a person, because we have lived alongside them and loved them – without love there is no grief (this also applies to job/business loss).
Embracing the paradox of change enables us to go from the depth of darkness to the brighter days ahead.
Gratitude has played a significant part in my journey towards acceptance.
Regular gratitude routines (such as writing a daily gratitude journal of 3 things I’m grateful for in my life right now) enable a reflective focus through a positive lens. We go to the gym to build on our fitness; regular gratitude practice builds our positive attitude, elevating us above pity, depression and toxicity. Counting our blessings stirs our soul, filling us with joy and optimism.
Having gratitude for the adventures and good times in the past, with our loved one, outweighs the pain of them not being physically present in our future.
>> Choose positivity.
5. Make sense of the loss in alignment with your purpose
My purpose is to inspire leaders to extraordinary success.
Whether supporting a CEO and senior team to transform a business through its next level of growth; preparing an individual for an Executive role; to enable a senior manager to become a confident people leader or helping an entrepreneur to work through barriers that are getting in the way of their progress, our Nudge Leadership Model gets results.
I have been able to make sense of my loss in relation to the way that I want to serve the people who can benefit from my support.
This is totally subjective, but it is helping me to move forward with acceptance and optimism, to know that I have grown through this tragic situation and learned to integrate the experience of loss within my mind, heart and soul to better serve current and future leaders I’m privileged to work with.
Afterall, each one has personally experienced loss in their own lives, undoubtedly shaping them into the person they are today … and potentially getting in the way of realising their full potential.
Getting clarity on your unique purpose and making sense of your loss, alongside your purpose, provides an inspiring and motivating path to move forward with intention and renewed focus.
>> Integrate the loss for your future success.
Compassion is a core value of Nudge Forward. Through my own experience of this loss, I am noticing that I’m working with deeper compassion in my client work. The leaders I work with are benefitting from my expanded awareness.
It is through our awareness that choices get made, creating the results and outcomes that we want.
Is it time for you to break through barriers to achieve extraordinary outcomes?
I am grateful for the help that I’ve received along the way working with a counsellor and a therapist, as well as the continuing support of my business coach, as well as the dear friends that have listened to me and held me through the last few months. These have all enabled me to formulate these five important leadership lessons for dealing with loss.
Getting through loss is not something to be done alone. Change happens in relationship with others.
Would you benefit from support to become a victor and lead yourself out of a loss?
Let’s talk – schedule your call now.
Written by Sally Dhillon, Founder & Head Coach, Nudge Forward. September 2024